


Shore Leave Gone Wrong

by tptigger



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: AOS Kirk has a foul mouth, Camping, Gen, Male Friendship, Risa - Freeform, gen ficathon 2009, hence the rating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 18:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13816719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tptigger/pseuds/tptigger
Summary: Bones drags Spock and Kirk camping on Risa. This was his idea, why is he so cranky?





	Shore Leave Gone Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the gen_ficathon on LJ back in 2009, but backdating it seemed silly. Not sure why I never posted it anywhere else, but I'm trying to get all my LJ fic here.

McCoy grabbed Spock and Kirk by the ears, dragging them off of the bridge.

"Doctor, this behavior is most illogical."

"No, Spock, you're being most illogical. When the senior medical officer orders you to relax..."

"I assure you that Risa is no place for me to relax, Doctor," Spock said.

"Why am I here, Bones?" Kirk asked as McCoy dragged them into the turbolift. "Isn't this insubordination?"

"I'm the only one on this ship who can give you an order, so I'm giving it."

"Why are you insisting on the three of us doing this together, Doctor?" Spock asked as the turbolift doors closed.

"Have you been talking to the older Spock again?" Kirk asked.

"No. Why would I need to? I know neither of you has taken shore leave since you came aboard this tin can."

Kirk decided to change tactics. "You really want to bring Spock to _Risa_? Does Uhura know about this?"

"Captain," Spock said, his tone low.

"I mean, I doubt the lieutenant would appreciate you dragging her boyfriend out onto a pleasure planet..."

"Actually, Jim, I figured we'd check out their expansive forrest areas. Lt. Uhura says Risa has great camping. However, if you're so inclined, I suppose Spock and I can leave you in the pleasure domes and Spock and I can have the forest to ourselves."

"Really, Bones, I never knew you swung that way," Kirk said.

Spock rolled his eyes. "Captain, for a man of such... diverse command abilities, you have a one track mind."

"Just what are you trying to say, Spock?"

"That you are unable to appreciate the simple pleasures of enjoying nature. That you therefore seek more..."

Kirk shook a finger at his first officer. "Don't start, Spock."

"Then perhaps you should, as Dr. McCoy is so fond of saying, pull your head out of your..."

"Spock!" McCoy said, in mock horror as the doors to the shuttle bay opened. "I would never talk like that to a superior officer."

"Yes you would," Kirk interrupted. "If I promise not to run away will you let go of my ear?"

McCoy threw him in the direction of the shuttle. "All aboard."

Spock cocked an eyebrow. "I don't understand the need for the shuttle, Doctor. The most recent ship's status report suggests that all transporters are functioning perfectly."

"I don't trust those fool things."

"And he claims that we're being illogical," Spock said to Kirk.

* * *

"A tent?" Kirk said. "Like canvas? No floor. No _heat_?"

"The ambient temperature is not going to drop below 22 degrees Celsius in the near future," Spock said. "This is Risa's planetary spring."

"In the temperate zone," McCoy added; "Risa doesn't do things by half."

"The latest in weather control technology," said a musical voice from behind the shuttle craft.

"Who are you?" McCoy asked.

"My name is Carmella, I'll be your camping counselor."

"We don't need..." McCoy started.

"It's part of the standard Risan camping package," Carmella replied.

"How much extra is it for you to leave us the hell alone, woman?" McCoy asked.

"My services are included in every package," Carmella said brightly. She placed her pack on the ground. "All right, I need to take care of something really quickly, go ahead and make yourselves at home while you wait." With that she vanished into the brush nearly as quickly as she had appeared.

"Great," McCoy said. He smacked Kirk upside the head. "Put your tongue back in your mouth boy."

Kirk turned, throwing McCoy a glare. "What?"

"Really, Captain, you have to ask?" Spock inquired.

Kirk rolled his eyes. "I'm not always like that."

"Captain, I do not believe that you could manage not to flirt with our guide for the duration of our leave," Spock said.

"You want to bet?" Kirk asked.

"What would you deem an appropriate wager?" Spock replied.

"Loser has to sing a song of the winner's choosing at the next dinner we all attend," Kirk said.

"It is, as you would say, a bet," Spock said, extending his hand.

Kirk took it, shaking it.

"What are you gentlemen up to?" Carmella asked as she reappeared, another backpack on her back.

"Nothing," Kirk and Spock said innocently.

"Is this where you'd like to make camp, or would you prefer something more scenic?"

Spock and Kirk turned to McCoy, whose arms were crossed, the corners of his mouth turned down in a frown.

"Well, why don't you two choose," McCoy said grumpily. "I'm going to get the rest of my gear out of the shuttle."

"What bug crawled up his butt?" Kirk asked.

"There are any number of insect varieties on Risa," Carmella supplied, "but none of them are hazardous to humans--or Vulcans."

Kirk didn't say anything. He just stared.

"So, Captain, what do you think about relocating to the scenic campsite?" Spock suggested. "Perhaps it will help Doctor McCoy relax."

Carmella chuckled. "You call each other by your ranks off-duty?"

Spock arched an eyebrow.

"Whatever," Carmella said. Her facade had faltered, but, with obvious effort she plastered the smile back on her face. "If you want to go for something more scenic, there's a waterfall campsite about two and half kilometers from here."

At that moment, McCoy emerged from the shuttle craft.

"What do you say, Bones? Two and a half klicks to a waterfall campsite?" Kirk asked.

"Whatever you want, Jim, it's your leave," McCoy said.

"This way, gents," Carmella said, shouldering her pack and setting a moderate pace.

Spock strode easily to keep up, but McCoy seemed to be hanging back, deliberately walking slowly. Kirk started at a brisk pace, then hung back.

"What is it Bones." Kirk asked.

"Who in their right minds is ever that perky?"

"Tour guides," Kirk replied.

"You're going to have to sing to the crew, you know."

"No, I'm not. If you want to worry about the bet, worry about helping me pick a good song to make Spock sing," Kirk replied. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Bones snapped. "Can't you just let me be?"

"Then keep up, I really don't want to go looking for a new ship's medical officer."

* * *

"Doctor, are you sure you're all right?" Spock asked later as they were pitching their tents--Carmella and the Captain were scouting ahead for water.

"Fine, Spock, just having a bit of difficulty keeping up with you young pups."

"Your physical fitness standards far exceed Starfleet minimums, Doctor. It is illogical, therefore, to conclude that the problem is due to your age or your health. It sees far more plausible..."

"Spock, learn to keep your nose out of other people's business. Doesn't that logical Vulcan mind of yours..."

"On the contrary, Doctor, as first officer the well being of my crew..."

"Damnit, Spock This is shore leave, not an officer's retreat!" McCoy snapped.

"Well, then, Leonard... as your friend."

"Impossible..." McCoy stalked off, muttering to himself.

Kirk walked up to Spock, having just returned, and squatted next to Spock. "Is it just me or does Bones seem even more cantankerous than usual?"

"He does seem uncharacteristically irritable," Spock replied. "He also resisted my attempts to get him to open up."

"He can be a stubborn son of a bitch when he wants to." 

"Such statements lead me to wonder what you say behind my back, Captain. I am under the impression that Doctor McCoy is your friend."

"I call Bones a stubborn SOB to his face," Kirk replied. "Friendship isn't overlooking peoples' faults, Spock. It's seeing past them."

"Fascinating."

Kirk rolled his eyes. "So, Doctor McCoy..."

"He didn't seem to be acting out of character until Ms. um... Carmella showed up."

Kirk smirked, wondering how Uhura convinced Spock to refer to her as 'Nyota'. "So you think that Carmella's getting under his skin?"

"If you're suggesting that he has feelings for..."

"No, Spock," Kirk said. "I'm suggesting that she's the reason he's so pissy. Why he wouldn't want to go camping with a pretty girl? Usually he.... Crap. Spock, do you know the Earth date?"

"September 25, um..."

"Crap, this would've been his wedding anniversary," Kirk said. He wondered if he should've explained to Spock what Bones's wife had said when she left: that she should've known it would never work out because he'd wanted to go camping for their honeymoon.

"So?"

"So McCoy decides to distract himself by dragging the two people on the ship he considers friends out for a guys' weekend and some overly cheery chick shows up," Kirk said.

"So?"

Kirk sighed, throwing up his hands in frustration. "You're such a _Vulcan_."

"Thank you," Spock replied.

"Just distract Carmella when they get back so I can talk to Bones, OK?"

"As you wish, Captain."

Kirk arched an eyebrow, then decided that Spock probably wasn't into classic, 2-D Earth movies, and shrugged. "Here they come."

Spock rose. "Um, Carmella? I had a few questions about the flora here if you would be so kind..."

Carmella's face brightened--it seemed that she was as eager to depart McCoy's company as McCoy was to depart hers.

McCoy leaned against a tree, as if not wanting to even step foot in the clearing.

Kirk leaned against the tree. "How many years would it have been?" he asked quietly.

"Twenty," McCoy said.

Kirk blinked. "You got married at twenty?"

"Shut up," McCoy said.

"Sorry," Kirk replied.

McCoy turned. "Who are you and what have you done with James Kirk?"

Kirk held up his hands in an "I'm harmless" gesture.

"I just wanted to go camping and not have to think about women," McCoy said. "But no-o, Risa is a full service..."

Kirk held up a hand as he realized he had an idea. "Well, gee, Bones, why didn't you just say so? Be right back." Kirk swaggered up to Carmella. "Um, Carmella, I don't want to get you in trouble or anything, but could we ask you a big favor?"

Carmella blinked. "Um, it depends on what it is?"

"Is there... look, we're not dissatisfied with your work or anything, but is there any way that we could maybe um, have a male tour guide instead? Bones there was sort of hoping for a guys' weekend."

Carmella smiled. "Sure, not problem!"

"Thanks so much, honey, you're the best!" Kirk said.

Carmella wiggled her eyebrows and her body shifted--she became taller, broad shouldered, and her breasts transformed into firm pectoral muscles. She also started developing facial hair. "You can call me Kit," said a deep voice.

Kirk looked back at McCoy and Spock, who were putting the finishing touches on pitching the tent. Their mouths were hanging open as well.

"What, um, else can you do?" Kirk asked, examining "Kit" with a certain degree of skepticism.

"Pop Goes the Weasel, Jim," Spock called over.

Kirk turned, approaching his officers. "Excuse me?"

"You just flirted with the tour guide," Spock replied. "You will be singing 'Pop Goes the Weasel' at dinner when we get back."

"That wasn't... I don't..." Kirk sputtered.

McCoy was laughing so hard that he nearly keeled over backwards.

Kit approached the group. "That's the spirit, guys. So, what next?"

End


End file.
